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Why Does She Stay?
According to the United States Department of Justice, the majority of victims of domestic abuse are women.
When talking about domestic violence, many people wonder why the victim would stay in an abusive relationship. Abusers do not necessarily start out with physical violence on the first date. The abuse process is often a gradual one. It may begin with controlling and isolating the victim. She may be kept away from her friends and family and be told what to wear, how to act, where she may go, and to whom she may speak. When physical abuse starts, the victim often has had her self-confidence chipped away to the point that she may believe it when the abuser tells her that the abuse is her fault. If she had dinner ready on time, if the children were clean and fed when he came home, if the house was cleaner, he would not have to hit her. Many abusers also become remorseful after inflicting violence. They ask for forgiveness and promise that it will not happen again. This gives false hope to battered women.
Battered women often lose their support systems.
A batterer may prohibit a woman from using the phone, may humiliate her in front of her friends and family, may insist on transporting her wherever she goes, may censor her mail, etc. Batterers tend to be very possessive and jealous. They isolate their victims in order to increase their control over them. A battered woman also may fear that she will not be believed. The batterer is often very charming to others and only displays his abusive behavior behind closed doors. The victim is aware of this and this suppports her fear that no one will believe her about the abuse that goes on.
There are many barricades to a woman leaving her abuser.
If there are children involved, the abuser may threaten to seek custody of them or withhold child support payments. He may interfere with her job, try to sabotage her finding alternative housing, or turn her children against her. The biggest threat, though, is the threat to kill her, her children, or other family members if she leaves. The risk of a battered woman being killed by her abuser increases by 75% after she leaves. (Barbara Hart, Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1988)
Most battered women do leave their abuser, but it may take several attempts before she permanently leaves.
Leaving is a process. It is important that a battered woman receives the support necessary to start a new life on her own. Washington Women’s Shelter, Inc. offers support to victims in all stages of their journey to freedom from violence. We understand that leaving is a very difficult thing to do. We do not judge why a woman stays, but try to allow her to leave an abusive relationship on her own terms. Remember that if you or someone you know needs to talk, we are always here.
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